The Lost Legion
Nov. 11th, 2014 02:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shapinglightLast of the Ninth Legion-related movies, about which all I can say is, don't watch it unless you're really in the mood for one of those movies that turns your brain to mush.
Or if you have a cold or flu and your brain is already mush.
This movie isn't actually about the destruction of the Ninth Legion, since in it, the legion is still in existence, in Britannia, in 476 AD, four hundred years after mention of it disappears from the records.
The beginning of the movie is actually not too bad. It's set at the time when the Western Roman Empire was finally destroyed by the Goths, and features a band of devoted soldiers rescuing Romulus, the last emperor of the Western Empire - who is only a child - and taking him to safety in Britannia.
It also features a quasi-Arthurian mystical-sword-that's-going-to-grow-up-to-be-Excalibur plot, with Romulus's tutor turning out to be (in a plot twist that any fool could see coming a hundred miles off) Merlin, and the Ninth Legion, who have 'gone native' redeeming themselves by fighting for the last emperor and seeing off the forces of evil King Vortgyn. The last emperor then grows up to be King Arthur's dad.
There's also a very silly side plot involving the Byzantine ambassador (played by Alexander Siddig, who always gets stuck with these scheming oriental-types roles) plotting with the Goths (those Byzantines, they're just so...Byzantine) to kill the young emperor, which makes his (extremely unlikely) woman warrior sidekick - played by Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan - turn on him and kill him, because she's fallen in love with the leader of the emperor's bodyguard, played by Colin Firth.
No kissing in this movie. Bollywood actresses don't do kissing (though they are okay with getting soaking wet while wearing rather see-through clothing).
No idea where it was filmed, but it doesn't look like Britain. Except for the white cliffs of Dover.
Anyway, it was all very silly, though quite jolly in parts. In fact, one of the jolliest parts was spotting all the Brit actors who have subsequently appeared in Game of Thrones.
There was Jorah Mormont (playing the emperor's dad), Jorah Mormont's dad, Lord Mormont (playing a Goth, who gets - very improbably - killed in battle by Aishwarya Rai), Ser Alliser Thorne (one of the emperor's bodyguard), Xaro Xhoan Daxos (another member of the emperor's bodyguard), Craster (general of the Ninth Legion), and Jojen Reed (the boy emperor) etc, etc.
In fact, after a while, you start counting actors who haven't been in GoT yet. Seems unlikely that either Ben Kingsley or Colin Firth (both slumming it in this film) ever will, or Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan (too much nudity in GoT), but I wouldn't be surprised if Kevin McKidd, who plays an evil Goth, doesn't turn up at some point.
Liam Cunningham, who plays Ser Davos was in Centurion, btw.
And that's it. I've watched all the Ninth Legion movies, as far as I know (there may be a zombie one somewhere I don't know about, and probably wouldn't watch anyway). The Eagle, though not a great movie, is the best of the three, but both The Eagle and Centurion look like masterpieces next to The Last Legion.
Wanders off, wondering again why I started this in the first place.
Or if you have a cold or flu and your brain is already mush.
This movie isn't actually about the destruction of the Ninth Legion, since in it, the legion is still in existence, in Britannia, in 476 AD, four hundred years after mention of it disappears from the records.
The beginning of the movie is actually not too bad. It's set at the time when the Western Roman Empire was finally destroyed by the Goths, and features a band of devoted soldiers rescuing Romulus, the last emperor of the Western Empire - who is only a child - and taking him to safety in Britannia.
It also features a quasi-Arthurian mystical-sword-that's-going-to-grow-up-to-be-Excalibur plot, with Romulus's tutor turning out to be (in a plot twist that any fool could see coming a hundred miles off) Merlin, and the Ninth Legion, who have 'gone native' redeeming themselves by fighting for the last emperor and seeing off the forces of evil King Vortgyn. The last emperor then grows up to be King Arthur's dad.
There's also a very silly side plot involving the Byzantine ambassador (played by Alexander Siddig, who always gets stuck with these scheming oriental-types roles) plotting with the Goths (those Byzantines, they're just so...Byzantine) to kill the young emperor, which makes his (extremely unlikely) woman warrior sidekick - played by Bollywood superstar Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan - turn on him and kill him, because she's fallen in love with the leader of the emperor's bodyguard, played by Colin Firth.
No kissing in this movie. Bollywood actresses don't do kissing (though they are okay with getting soaking wet while wearing rather see-through clothing).
No idea where it was filmed, but it doesn't look like Britain. Except for the white cliffs of Dover.
Anyway, it was all very silly, though quite jolly in parts. In fact, one of the jolliest parts was spotting all the Brit actors who have subsequently appeared in Game of Thrones.
There was Jorah Mormont (playing the emperor's dad), Jorah Mormont's dad, Lord Mormont (playing a Goth, who gets - very improbably - killed in battle by Aishwarya Rai), Ser Alliser Thorne (one of the emperor's bodyguard), Xaro Xhoan Daxos (another member of the emperor's bodyguard), Craster (general of the Ninth Legion), and Jojen Reed (the boy emperor) etc, etc.
In fact, after a while, you start counting actors who haven't been in GoT yet. Seems unlikely that either Ben Kingsley or Colin Firth (both slumming it in this film) ever will, or Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan (too much nudity in GoT), but I wouldn't be surprised if Kevin McKidd, who plays an evil Goth, doesn't turn up at some point.
Liam Cunningham, who plays Ser Davos was in Centurion, btw.
And that's it. I've watched all the Ninth Legion movies, as far as I know (there may be a zombie one somewhere I don't know about, and probably wouldn't watch anyway). The Eagle, though not a great movie, is the best of the three, but both The Eagle and Centurion look like masterpieces next to The Last Legion.
Wanders off, wondering again why I started this in the first place.
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no subject
Date: 2014-11-12 05:35 am (UTC)I meant to ask you that.
Thanks for the review. That does indeed look like a film to avoid.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-12 02:33 pm (UTC)I can't give you an answer, I'm afraid, as I don't have a clue. Just did it on a whim, I spose.
Thanks for the review.
Thanks for taking the trouble to read it, Maz. :)
no subject
Date: 2014-11-12 06:20 pm (UTC)In general, though, I quite like a Roman film; the legacy of Classical Studies and Latin at school, I think.
Thought The Eagle was enjoyable, if a bit daft. It was better than I thought it would be and I liked all the outdoor scenes in wonderful countryside.
I think I saw the Centurion one, but it didn't make much impression on me.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-13 01:25 pm (UTC)Very wise. As I said, it wasn't too bad to start with, but when the action got to Britannia, not only did it get too silly for words, it was actually a bit boring.
In general, though, I quite like a Roman film; the legacy of Classical Studies and Latin at school, I think.
Me too. I love Gladiator, even though the way it's obvious no one has bothered to research how Roman names work annoys me.
I'm also sardonically amused by the way Romans are nearly always played by Brit/Irish character actors, even these days. That was one thing I found refreshing about The Eagle. The Romans all had American accents (even the characters played by Brit actors), which reflected current world realipolitik a bit better (though of course the consequence of that is that the Picts/other rebellious Britons become stand-ins for Native Americans, or even Afghan insurgents.
Not that there aren't similarities - the lonely fort on the frontier overrun by angry 'natives' etc, etc.
I think I saw the Centurion one, but it didn't make much impression on me.
To be fair to the movie, at least it slightly better reflects the probable ethnic melting pot of the Roman army.