The household meme
Aug. 11th, 2015 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shapinglightSo, that household meme doing the rounds:
It may not (or it may) have escaped your notice that I find this meme rather nosey. In fact, I've pretty much decided that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bogwitch is right, and the only reason this meme was created is that Someone Out There wants to know what weapons you keep in your house (AK47, rocket launcher, stout walking stick, whatever) and where you stash your valuables so they can neutralise one and snag the other when they burgle you.
That being so, I've decided to let a (fictional but equally suspicious) fellow Brit answer the questions for me.
Bad language behind cut.
Setting: BtVS late season 4, Spike's crypt
1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
First off, what sodding business is it of yours? Second off, what kind of poofy question is that? I'm not sodding Angel. Sod off.
2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
I have a severed demon head, which looks a bit like a watermelon. Wanna make something of it, sunshine?
3. Is there anything mouldy in your refrigerator?
The severed head's a bit past it, truth be told.
4. Are there any dirty dishes in your sink?
What sink would this be? And who do you sodding well think I am? A sodding butler?
5. What would you change about your living room?
Slayer entrails draped across the ceiling. All the classier vamp crypts have 'em.
6. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
We've been through this already. Are you deaf, or what?
7. Do you have a can of mushrooms in your pantry?
Come again? Is this some kind of secret code you're talking in?
8. White or wheat bread?
Not bothered. Either soaks up blood pretty well.
9. What is on top of your refrigerator?
Remember that severed demon head? Well, there wasn't room for the rest of the body in the fridge, was there?
10. What colour is your sofa?
Brown. Don't like it, take it up with the city dump.
11. What colour or design is on your shower curtain?
Think you've mistaken me for some other vamp again. Wanker.
12. How many plants are in your home?
Never met anyone stupid enough to plant anything in my home, so don't even try, all right?
13. How many candles are in your home?
Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you how many deadly weapons I have.
14. Is your bed made right now?
Sleepy, are we? Can make that a permanent state of affairs, if you like. As in, fishes, sleepin' with 'em.
15. If you have a coffee pot, what colour is it?
Do I sound like a coffee drinker to you, sunshine?
16. Electric or standard can opener?
Neither. Can rip cans open with my bare hands. Want a demonstration? On your head?
27. Comet or Soft Scrub?
More code words? You don't work for those Initiative buggers, do you? If you do, the chip's working fine, so there's no need to stake me, all right?
28. Is your closet organized?
Wouldn't you like to know? And organised into what? Bet you'd like to know that too. Well, tough, 'cos I'm not telling.
29. What colour is the flashlight that you use the most?
Sodding hell. That's the password, isn't it? No other reason to ask such a stupid question.
30. What kinds of things are in your junk drawer?
Junk. Unless you mean a different kind of junk. In which case, big things. Very big things.
31. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
I used to drink straight out of the vein, mostly. God, I miss it.
32. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Is the accent not a clue? No, I sodding well don't! Chip or no chip, I've a good mind to bite you for cruelty to tea, you wanker.
33. If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
No, and no.
34. Curtains or blinds?
Cobwebs, mainly.
35. How many pillows do you sleep with?
You can't suffocate a vampire, you twat. Don't you even know that much?
36. Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
Haven't you ever heard the expression 'creature of the night'? I don't sodding well sleep at night, do I?
37. How many ceiling fans are in your home?
Crypts don't come equipped with ceiling fans. Hard to grasp for someone of your limited intellect, but there it is.
38. How often do you vacuum?
People are so sodding lazy these days. What's wrong with a broom and some elbow grease?
39. Standard toothbrush or electric?
I'd have to know you a whole lot better to discuss my dental regime with you, sunshine.
40. What colour is your toothbrush?
Another stupid question. Black, of course.
41. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
No. I have thought of getting a mantrap, though.
42. What is in your oven right now?
Blood.
43. Is your microwave clean or dirty?
Clean. Except for the blood.
44. Is there anything under your bed?
Not now. Remember that severed demon head? Won't be doing that again, will he?
45. Chore you hate doing the most?
Dismembering. I miss the days when I had minions to do it for me.
46. What retro items are in your home?
Does 'retro' mean second-hand? Stop poncing about and say what you really mean.
47. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
You actually think I work? That's a laugh.
48. If you have a yard, who mows it?
What's the point of asking the bloke who mows the cemeteries in Sunnydale what his name is? High attrition rate, see? There's a new one almost every week.
49. Is there anything on your kitchen floor right now?
Oops! 'Scuse me a sec, I'll just stick that demon finger on top of the fridge with the rest of 'em.
50. How many mirrors are in your home?
What sort of hurtful question is that to ask a vampire? You're lucky I'm not easily offended, mate.
51. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
Who the fuck wants to know, eh? Eh?!!!
52. What colour are your walls?
Ask any more questions like the last one and they'll be sludgy grey with nice, blood-red stripes.
53. Which rooms in your house have wallpaper?
Good deflection, mate. Nice try, anyway. But I'm on to you now.
54. Do you have a peephole in your front door?
No. I'm definitely getting that mantrap, though.
55. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
Yeah, lots and lots. Just so you know. Wanker.
56. What does your home smell like right now?
Dead demon.
57. Fave candle scent?
Dead demon.
58. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
Dead demon ones.
59. Who are in the pictures you display?
What pictures? Don't go in for family albums, mate. Or families. All they do is kill each other, piss you off, or run off with disgusting chaos demons.
60. What colour is your favourite bible?
Only a Yank would ask a question like that. Black. It's a Satanic one. So put that in your censer and smoke it.
61. Do you have plenty of cabinet space in your kitchen?
Could always do with more room for the severed demon bits.
62. Ever been on your roof?
Not really. I'll make sure to get up there next time you come around, though, so I can have a good laugh when you step on the mantrap.
62. Do you own a stereo?
Not any more. That silly Harmony bint sold it to buy more unicorns. Yeah, she actually sold it. I mean, what's wrong with her? Why can't she just steal stuff, like other vamps?
63. How many TVs do you have?
One. And I wish I was watching it rather than answering your bloody boring questions. Passions is on any minute.
64. How many house phones?
Hundreds and hundreds. So don't think you can sneak up on me and I can't phone for help. Wanker.
65. Do you have a housekeeper?
Not for a hundred and twenty years. Haven't missed the horrid old cow either. Also, she tasted off when I bit her.
66. What style do you decorate in?
A bloody one.
67. Do you like solid colours in furniture or prints?
No. I like chintz. Wanker. What do you think?
68. Is there a smoke detector in your home?
No. There's a wanker detector, though. Been ringing for the last half hour at least.
69. In case of fire, what are the items you would grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Like I'd tell you what my most prized possession is. Wanker!
70. Do you know how to work your electrical box?
'Course I sodding do. I installed it, after all. Bloody lethal, it is. Wanna inspect it, help yourself.
71. What temperature in your home is most comfortable to you?
Wanker-free temperature. Which would be your cue to sod off, mate. Sod off.
Nosey bastard!
It may not (or it may) have escaped your notice that I find this meme rather nosey. In fact, I've pretty much decided that
bogwitch is right, and the only reason this meme was created is that Someone Out There wants to know what weapons you keep in your house (AK47, rocket launcher, stout walking stick, whatever) and where you stash your valuables so they can neutralise one and snag the other when they burgle you.That being so, I've decided to let a (fictional but equally suspicious) fellow Brit answer the questions for me.
Bad language behind cut.
Setting: BtVS late season 4, Spike's crypt
1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
First off, what sodding business is it of yours? Second off, what kind of poofy question is that? I'm not sodding Angel. Sod off.
2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
I have a severed demon head, which looks a bit like a watermelon. Wanna make something of it, sunshine?
3. Is there anything mouldy in your refrigerator?
The severed head's a bit past it, truth be told.
4. Are there any dirty dishes in your sink?
What sink would this be? And who do you sodding well think I am? A sodding butler?
5. What would you change about your living room?
Slayer entrails draped across the ceiling. All the classier vamp crypts have 'em.
6. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
We've been through this already. Are you deaf, or what?
7. Do you have a can of mushrooms in your pantry?
Come again? Is this some kind of secret code you're talking in?
8. White or wheat bread?
Not bothered. Either soaks up blood pretty well.
9. What is on top of your refrigerator?
Remember that severed demon head? Well, there wasn't room for the rest of the body in the fridge, was there?
10. What colour is your sofa?
Brown. Don't like it, take it up with the city dump.
11. What colour or design is on your shower curtain?
Think you've mistaken me for some other vamp again. Wanker.
12. How many plants are in your home?
Never met anyone stupid enough to plant anything in my home, so don't even try, all right?
13. How many candles are in your home?
Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna tell you how many deadly weapons I have.
14. Is your bed made right now?
Sleepy, are we? Can make that a permanent state of affairs, if you like. As in, fishes, sleepin' with 'em.
15. If you have a coffee pot, what colour is it?
Do I sound like a coffee drinker to you, sunshine?
16. Electric or standard can opener?
Neither. Can rip cans open with my bare hands. Want a demonstration? On your head?
27. Comet or Soft Scrub?
More code words? You don't work for those Initiative buggers, do you? If you do, the chip's working fine, so there's no need to stake me, all right?
28. Is your closet organized?
Wouldn't you like to know? And organised into what? Bet you'd like to know that too. Well, tough, 'cos I'm not telling.
29. What colour is the flashlight that you use the most?
Sodding hell. That's the password, isn't it? No other reason to ask such a stupid question.
30. What kinds of things are in your junk drawer?
Junk. Unless you mean a different kind of junk. In which case, big things. Very big things.
31. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
I used to drink straight out of the vein, mostly. God, I miss it.
32. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Is the accent not a clue? No, I sodding well don't! Chip or no chip, I've a good mind to bite you for cruelty to tea, you wanker.
33. If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
No, and no.
34. Curtains or blinds?
Cobwebs, mainly.
35. How many pillows do you sleep with?
You can't suffocate a vampire, you twat. Don't you even know that much?
36. Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
Haven't you ever heard the expression 'creature of the night'? I don't sodding well sleep at night, do I?
37. How many ceiling fans are in your home?
Crypts don't come equipped with ceiling fans. Hard to grasp for someone of your limited intellect, but there it is.
38. How often do you vacuum?
People are so sodding lazy these days. What's wrong with a broom and some elbow grease?
39. Standard toothbrush or electric?
I'd have to know you a whole lot better to discuss my dental regime with you, sunshine.
40. What colour is your toothbrush?
Another stupid question. Black, of course.
41. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
No. I have thought of getting a mantrap, though.
42. What is in your oven right now?
Blood.
43. Is your microwave clean or dirty?
Clean. Except for the blood.
44. Is there anything under your bed?
Not now. Remember that severed demon head? Won't be doing that again, will he?
45. Chore you hate doing the most?
Dismembering. I miss the days when I had minions to do it for me.
46. What retro items are in your home?
Does 'retro' mean second-hand? Stop poncing about and say what you really mean.
47. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
You actually think I work? That's a laugh.
48. If you have a yard, who mows it?
What's the point of asking the bloke who mows the cemeteries in Sunnydale what his name is? High attrition rate, see? There's a new one almost every week.
49. Is there anything on your kitchen floor right now?
Oops! 'Scuse me a sec, I'll just stick that demon finger on top of the fridge with the rest of 'em.
50. How many mirrors are in your home?
What sort of hurtful question is that to ask a vampire? You're lucky I'm not easily offended, mate.
51. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home?
Who the fuck wants to know, eh? Eh?!!!
52. What colour are your walls?
Ask any more questions like the last one and they'll be sludgy grey with nice, blood-red stripes.
53. Which rooms in your house have wallpaper?
Good deflection, mate. Nice try, anyway. But I'm on to you now.
54. Do you have a peephole in your front door?
No. I'm definitely getting that mantrap, though.
55. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
Yeah, lots and lots. Just so you know. Wanker.
56. What does your home smell like right now?
Dead demon.
57. Fave candle scent?
Dead demon.
58. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
Dead demon ones.
59. Who are in the pictures you display?
What pictures? Don't go in for family albums, mate. Or families. All they do is kill each other, piss you off, or run off with disgusting chaos demons.
60. What colour is your favourite bible?
Only a Yank would ask a question like that. Black. It's a Satanic one. So put that in your censer and smoke it.
61. Do you have plenty of cabinet space in your kitchen?
Could always do with more room for the severed demon bits.
62. Ever been on your roof?
Not really. I'll make sure to get up there next time you come around, though, so I can have a good laugh when you step on the mantrap.
62. Do you own a stereo?
Not any more. That silly Harmony bint sold it to buy more unicorns. Yeah, she actually sold it. I mean, what's wrong with her? Why can't she just steal stuff, like other vamps?
63. How many TVs do you have?
One. And I wish I was watching it rather than answering your bloody boring questions. Passions is on any minute.
64. How many house phones?
Hundreds and hundreds. So don't think you can sneak up on me and I can't phone for help. Wanker.
65. Do you have a housekeeper?
Not for a hundred and twenty years. Haven't missed the horrid old cow either. Also, she tasted off when I bit her.
66. What style do you decorate in?
A bloody one.
67. Do you like solid colours in furniture or prints?
No. I like chintz. Wanker. What do you think?
68. Is there a smoke detector in your home?
No. There's a wanker detector, though. Been ringing for the last half hour at least.
69. In case of fire, what are the items you would grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Like I'd tell you what my most prized possession is. Wanker!
70. Do you know how to work your electrical box?
'Course I sodding do. I installed it, after all. Bloody lethal, it is. Wanna inspect it, help yourself.
71. What temperature in your home is most comfortable to you?
Wanker-free temperature. Which would be your cue to sod off, mate. Sod off.
Nosey bastard!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-12-14 07:35 am (UTC)So many good bits. I really love the recurring dead demon motif, though. *\o/*
no subject
Date: 2015-12-15 05:38 pm (UTC)Glad it raised a smile. That was a particularly annoying meme, wasn't it?
Someone did a Brit version, which I hated even more though I didn't say so at the time because my Brit friends all seemed to love it.